Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.