I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.