[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
This could be us… but you playing
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.