me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”