Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
can’t believe I got front row seats
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.