I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*