*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Blew my mind.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda