Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk