A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.