If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Happy Star Wars day!
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
A new level of troll.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”