God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*