It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?