Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
why am I working on Labor Day
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Friday
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.