[loses house key, starts a new life]
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no