When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes