My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Well, that didn’t work.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.