women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Botany good plants lately?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.