I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up