Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
This classic never gets old . . .