Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Ovenable?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf