if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
When you kidnap a writer.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
technically true but not a great slogan
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.