When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
A ghost story
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume