Childbirth is so beautiful
You Might Also Like
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad