Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You Might Also Like
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch