have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS