Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
January has been Januweary
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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