My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled