Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.