[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Oh hi lol
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.