Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
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Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up