People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
this is how life feels
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.