This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
it’s the silliest best thing
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.