Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Saturday
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”