how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Free him
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice