Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.