the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.