It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Life with a cat in one tweet
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How it started How it’s going
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?