1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.