Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
incredible