“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan