[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳