I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.