Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
You Might Also Like
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.