embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
No, YOUR illiterate.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater