‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*frowns in Scottish*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer