My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
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Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Oh no
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN