Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Siri: Retweet me.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders