Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
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Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
wait.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.