To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now