[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
You Might Also Like
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.